Friday, April 24, 2009

Breaking the Silence

We have been silent for a long time and many of you ice turtles no doubt thawed your consciences long enough to wonder what became of the Maharajah’s presence in this island’s Blogosphere. Indeed, my minions, who have been keeping somewhat of a bored watch, report the same.

We have news for you slaves. The blogosphere does not as a matter of fact constitute entire portions of our lives. And whilst it is nice now and then to dabble our feet in the warmed carp pond in the Eastern Gardens of our Winter Palace, we do not do so at every opportunity we get. Simply because we have better things to do with our time, like carry out our complete practical assessment of the intricacies of the Kama Sutra with our many wives for instance.

It is nice to see you petty creatures fight though, and that is what has brought us back for a quick look to see what is going on. We were sorely disappointed, expecting some sound intellectual exchanges in par almost with the great scholarly debates of Rajasthan, to find an environment akin to a food fight in a teaching centre for children under five years of age. Once again, we have grossly overestimated the intellectual capacity of this particular corner of the blogosphere.

Aside from all that, nothing as usual remains to be commented upon. We express our dissatisfaction at the way the so called leader of this tiny nook has handled the situation. But although he was slightly overzealous he was not as bad as some who stooped to levels far below the initial instigators of the events, proving to quite obvious extents that the word ‘hypocrisy’ bore no meaning whatsoever in the frames of their tiny minds in its conceptual form. Such spurts of intellectual disease to be found here, here and here. This blogger who appears to have been the real instigator of the whole matter, predictably, has quietly sneaked away under the cover of the ensuing chaos, which is common behavior also seen at bar fights. But be careful, you may want to take a gas mask along before you visit these wastelands, our medics adivse us that they are potentially cancerous to the brain.

We have experienced certain other individuals taking levels of ‘traffic desperation’ to new heights. And by certain individuals we mean the whole of the rest of the blogosphere. An unconvincing attempt to sound cynical and world-aware here. And along with attempts to sound like virtuous saints, illusional drug addicts also jumped into the fray. We have no words for you, except to guffaw uncontrollably at the stupidity of it all.

We have noticed another fight taking place in the background amongst a group of women. But we tend to not bother too much about what goes on amongst the more insignificant classes of society. We have however, decided to extend our kind permission to these frustrated ladies to pay a visit to our harem. We will cure you of your desires. Or arrange someone else to do it, depending on how captivating you look in real life.

As for the rest of you, give us something to think about for a change. Even the tiger attack fearing, drug abusing, worm eating brahmins of Eastern Bengal have something interesting to say. . . .

The Maharajah Has Spoken

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Uprising of the Cowards

The death of a journalist has rattled the population in this little island in the past week or so. We have watched on with much bemused amusement mixed in with a lot of pity and scorn. You are like tortoises in the splendor of the sun in Gujarat; you only start wondering who dimmed the lights when the full moon has come out.

The extreme stupidity is revealed in the number of reactive blog posts that seem to be appearing all over the place. The Maharajah is disgusted beyond words. Where were all the dissenters and nay-sayers when all this was building up? Having had substantial experience quelling uprisings in which ordinary farmers would take up their pick axes against the Kingdom, we know a thing or two about broad and cumulative social trends.

First, no farmer would actually take up their pick axe for any other reason other than to dig for sweet potatoes. But farmers are an oppressed group of people and ill feeling is common. Second, most ordinary farmers are scared shitless of the Maharajah’s guards, therefore they will keep shut and let only the strongest of them do most of the talking.

All we have to do is to wait for the appropriate moment and chop off the heads of these strongest farmers.

And the most opportune moments come usually when the Maharajah commands strong public favor, when only the strongest of the dissenting farmers with pick axes stay resolutely against us and the weaker cowards are wavering between kissing our feet like the rest of the mangy dogs and quietly creeping back into their fields. And that is when we strike! Off with the heads of the strongest of their voices.

We cut off the head, the body struggles, and dies. The body of the movement that these few indivuduals headed, will also slowly struggle and die. There, a lesson in power for you witless morons.

This corner of the blogosphere is characteristic of the body struggling. Where were the voices when their actual power was needed? The Maharajah takes an unbiased position when it comes to the political environment of this insignificant speck of land, but believes that the stupidity of the masses will prevail over individual intelligence. Good luck to you my sweet potato digging farmers, this year’s harvest will be as useless as the last.

The blatant hypocrisy of the blogosphere though, continues undaunted. We have decided to take it upon ourselves to do what service we can to this ailing society. First, The Maharajahs gratitude goes out to Indi on his words of wisdom about English classes on the blogosphere; the Maharajah will give this blogger some tips on improving his English in keeping with the vision for Kottu.

Where we should start we believe, is the spelling. He happens to have tryied to overcome many barials. He is also the frist to be prasent at school in the momning. Apparently becose he was the lucky recipient of a mothor bike. We will also continue or support this blogger by providing grammar classes in the near future.

However it has distressed us a great deal that certain bloggers are perfecting the art of misleading these innocents. We are stunned at the presence of such evil.

This warning goes out to Lahiru Sandaruwan on the devious advice he received from a certain blogger on his comments stream. Based on this bewildering post the Maharajah feels safe to assume that this blogger is not in any position to be giving career advice to you. Please refrain from taking this blogger seriously for she is terrible at spelling and also needs to try and understand that whining during hard times in the safety of the blogsphere is a cowardly act which is not beneficial to the organization or to the blogger in question. I think you Lahiru, are in a better position to advice this poor soul on the greater matters of Life rather than the other way around.

We are also increasingly concerned about the signs of continuous mental disintegration this blogger seems to be showing. And we would like to say that, you know, it is not socially degrading to ask for help. And we recommend the use of this drug which has been undeniably proved by top end Indian researchers to be able to give the abnormally negative individual a new lease on life.

Moving on, we have come across a classic post that displays the Sri Lankan spirit of bonhomie to the atom. We have casually observed that uncaring and selfish spending seems to be the norm among the wealthy class of this country and have confirmed the fact through this post. Long live the oppressors of the people!

Sexual innuendo, fortunately or otherwise, seems to have dropped off the radar of late, but sad attempts at directing attention to one’s blog seem to continue. As seen in this pathetic excuse for a comment here. And, speaking on reincarnation, one blogger had a sudden hailstorm of sheer intellectual brilliance when he said (speaking of the next life) that ’by then you will not be able to reverse anything you have done in your past’. A startling revelation on the topic of reincarnation which would have had the Dalai Lama in a cold sweat of jealousy and astrophysicists in a terrible scientific connundrum, if they were to ever discover it.

This post has been rather long winding due to the fact that we found it harder than usual to compress the sheer brainlessness of the blogosphere into just a few hundred words. We feel that our presence has induced even more stupidity, due to people constantly going out of their way to please us and to try and gain our favor.

A message to you all, the Maharajah only favors the Bad.

And he has spoken.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Comeback They Wanted

We are not usually disposed to spend time in idle chit chat. But it is not as if we are not partial to the occasional indulgence in sporting recreation. Back in the days of the kingdom, when our elephants were still alive, taming them and going to war and crushing innocent people and other creatures like women and alcoholics under the terrible weight of the elephant foot was one of our favorite pastimes.

Ah! The nostalgic memories!

But today we talk about a different kind of comeback. we talk about the sport that seems to have infested the part of the flat surface of the world in which we are living in, yes we are talking about cricket and no matter what our opinion about the exiled generations of the most inferior and deranged Indian ever to walk the shores of India (Vijaya) may be, we are forced to admit that we do admire the freak genetic accident that caused the emergence of the spark of brilliance that transpired into the Sri Lankan cricket team.

More specifically, the brilliance that is Ajantha Mendis. All haters take notice! The Mendis Machine of Morbid Bowling Retribution is back.

A mental contradiction is formed though, in that Mendis made a comeback against former inhabitants of our homeland. The Bengalis. The brave tigers of Bengali though, are as yet cubs in the world of cricket. They are as yet to fully extend their claws and make use of their stalking muscles. And one fine day when they do, the fake lions of Serendib will truly find out who the pussy, cats of the region are.

but until then, Mendis is fair entertainment. The Maharajah is not above appreciating talent.
As for the blogosphere, there has been scant activity of interest to the Maharajah.

Sexual innuendo has been overflowing of late. Like in this blog that focuses on advertising as an excuse to mostly display luscious images of semi-naked women. The Maharajah's Gratitude!

This blogger gives an almost honest account of the pretentious propensity found in most blog posts. We think he is a Minion with Attitude. although his desperate nature is highlighted in false statistics published that give a skewed view of the sexual composition of the blogosphere telling us exactly what his subconscious mind is constantly focused on.

One person took our advice and jizzed, in the convenience of his trousers, although It is not clear if an 80 rupee porn magazine was involved. And another blogger relates a fond experience poking a banana while deciding whether to buy it.

There has been nothing enough to spark an intellectual train of thought as of late. We hope that this will soon change.

The minions have been talking about the New Year a lot and The Maharajah feels obligated to wish them all prosperity and luck for the future! May the blessings of the coveted one embrace you!

The Maharajah has spoken.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

More Captivation!

Marveling at the absolute stupidity permeating this little corner of the blogosphere, we once again contemplated on the shallow inferiority of the average Sri Lankan blogger's mind. We have NEWS for you slaves, the post 'Soixante Neuf - The Truth' was TAKEN OFF! so stop clicking the link, it's over. Please visit Pettah and buy a porn magazine for 80 'bucks' and jerk off in the privacy of your bed sheet and spare us the jizz we beg you.

In the meanwhile we are as usual , compelled to read some ridiculous feats of 'writing' in the otherwise sedated dome of bloggers dispersing random spurts of word vomit after drunken nights of intellectual abandon. By this we mean long and harsh periods of abandoning their intellect, in case you need it spelled out.

There was also an absolutely useless debate on the pros and cons of 'Booze' and 'Fags' the latter term we believe being a slang term for a cigarette and not an expletive used to describe a homosexual, like him. A rather shocking site wavering on borderline pedophilia to be also found here. We are surprised that there are no laws banning sites such as these.

The maharajah is shocked at the state of depression that is permeating the already pitiful aura in circlulation here. We hope that the cheer of the dawning new year will be celebrated in quiet meditation of past mistakes and weaknesses of self will be accepted in the aromatic haze of a scented candle. This adivce to you. My misguided subject. All praise to the Maharajah!

We are also discovering little gems such as this recognizing the superiority of our people as opposed to the inhabitants of this backward island. Maharajahs gratitude! The rest of the site in question though, seems to expell an odour akin to that of the sewers of Eastern Mumbai.

We have long since been appalled at the deplorable senses of humor that some bloggers possess as well. There is one site in particular that seems to consist entirely of the worst and most worn out jokes since the Serpent pulled that one on Eve about the apple. The writer in question seems to go through an eternal process of recycling the same jokes over and over again in a desperate attempt to convince himself that he is funny. We hereby christen him 'The Grinch who stole Humor'.

There is however, one site that impresses us in its repeated and successful attempts at captivating a readers mind. The writer seems to be able to capture and attach a certain romanticism to otherwise mundane and boring events that peasants in this rather unfortunate excuse for a country have to go through every day. So deserving our approval of his weblog here.

The low amount of material in this post is testament to the amount of worthless writing taking place. Please correct this to please the Maharajah!

Until we speak again
The Maharajah Has Spoken

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Reverse Kalu Sudda - Oh How you people captivate us!

From dawn to dusk the past couple of days we have been busy reading the creative work of some of the best bloggers in town, their creations have truly provoked us deep into thought.....

How on earth could there be so many people with the intellectual capacity of a retarded baby goat we wonder? the answer eludes us though the blogsphere seems to be in NO short supply of high quality mutton,

Most were boring, some bordered the height of stupidity & in between there were a few that were just too demented for the Maharajah not to comment, a few brave posted the Maharajah's comments, others were too afraid to face the wrath of logical reasoning of the great Maharajah.

''The facts of life'' by shades of Jade reminded us once more why Sri Lanka is stuck as a third world country complaining of everything under the blooming sun, She was so successful in redefining ''negativity'' that if there was a category for the said ''negativity'' for a nobel prize, she would have won it in a canter. Maharajah's Gratitude!

Once upon a time by ''thoughts of a Pessimist'' says it all!

This was surprisingly well written! we highly recommend this post for reading for the likes of those who chose to read up on sex scandals, instead of wasting your time on petty human issues & controversies which add to the amount of mutton in your heads. Maharajah's Gratitude!

Tainted by ''eyeliner and I'' made a daring attempt to break all copyright laws known to this country by shamelessly plagiarizing his/her way into the blogsphere, Please follow this blog for an exciting sequel named ''Oops i did it again''. Maharajah's gratitude!

Pic of the Year - Abercrombie Models (eerr... not ... by ''My Prerogative'' showed us that Gay rights movements, activists etc. are gaining confidence in Sri Lanka and is definitely on an upward trend. Though by the fact that it's on Kottu's popular posts for today shows us that there are more narrow minded bloggers out there than initially expected! Maharajah's Gratitude!

Those men…. Oh so hot! by ''Lady Divine'' epitomized narrow mindedness and more so shallowness. It's the same desperation that probably caused most people to check out ''my prerogative's'' post. Lady divine was too afraid to post comments made by the Maharajah which automatically qualified her to be mentioned on the exciting first post of ''Reverse Kalu sudda'',

Bloggers please make note of this automatic qualification process! Maharajah's Gratitude!

Secret Santa Part 3 - Leaving clues.. by "Middle Child'' was refreshing to read, at least Middle Child has managed to find some petty inspiration in yet another silly office event. One wonders what she might post after Christmas?? given that she has already reached part5!!

The sinhalese new year will be exciting for Middle Child with a 10 part series called ''Pol geme tharagaya'' a truly entertaining series of posts on coconuts, women & office events. Maharajah's Gratitude!

solutions from machines from ''The Whacksters lair'' tells a story of how bad he is at getting laid, his attempts of understanding women can be categorized with those of OJ simpson, Brutal. Dee Cee's defense of The Whackster lead the Maharajah to believe that Blog Chemistry may have evolved between the two. Hmmm... Maharajah's gratitude!

For tonight the Maharajah has spoken!

Only the ''thoughts of a pessimist'' it seems is worthy of any sort of recommendation and has been hereby upgraded for a ''read'' recommendation. Whilst all the other clowns have been downgraded accordingly.

in conclusion

Thank you for all your comments girls and boys. It was entertainment almost in par with the stagehouses of Alhamadrabad reading them. We, however, took it down once we had had enough of it. You people can't get a sniff of sex and/or controversy, you are all over the place. righteous fools. there are much more valuable posts out there on your aggregator. 90 hits in one day, supplementary post, Filthy comments. Don't you have anything better to read?

NOW we are laughing our turban off.

until next time

The Maharajah has spoken.

Monday, December 22, 2008


The snows of India have melted long ago and the Rathri has taken over the Northern reaches once so bathed in the glory of Light. Our kingdom has dissipated, yet we survive. A phantom of our former self


a vision.

An illusion.

Ok that's enough of that. We are the Maharajah of Bad. and we will now show you what being bad is all about.

Death and destruction! the sword will conquer all!